Many come to me with a dream, wondering how to monetize it. They want to know if it will work. If they could ever leave their steady job to pursue it full time. 

It’s my 13th year being a creative entrepreneur, which I define as someone whose work is deeply personal and fueled by passion, self-expression, and originality. Unlike a traditional job, there’s no map to follow. It’s a spiritual journey. One that encourages us to give up control, learn how to trust ourselves and let the universe support us. 

Wouldn’t it be nice to know all the answers before we commit? Unfortunately though that’s not how authenticity works. There’s one awe inspiring jewel of wisdom waiting for us to discover at a time. 

I worked in corporate merchandising for 7 years before leaving to start my first company, Sweet & Spark. While I loved working in fashion because of it’s fast paced and challenging nature, I still felt unsatisfied. Why does this happen to so many of us? 

Looking back, there were so many parts of myself I was yearning to express that I was completely oblivious of. I felt so much internal tension. I was living my dream, traveling around the country making 6 figures yet, I was unhappy. 

I started running to discharge the discomfort. Challenging myself to run a full marathon made me feel like I could do anything. I started to feel inspired. 

That’s right about the time Pinterest launched and blogging blew up. I absorbed the stories of others, believing it was in me to do something great too. I bought a print for my apartment wall that said, “defy mediocrity”. It became my new motto and I started a blog sharing outfits, quotes and thoughts that were motivating.

When the new brand I was working on closed, I turned down a lateral move, took a severance package and moved back to San Francisco with an idea to start a vintage jewelry company. I wanted to build and offer something completely unique that would inspire awe. I knew I was capable of doing it. My dad had been in the antique business my entire life and taught me how to navigate the industry. 

I turned my dining room into a studio, hired interns, researched vintage designers, traveled around the country sourcing with my dad, organized photoshoots and pitched myself to press. I landed a few big collaborations that put me on the map. It gave me a taste of what I was after. 

Over the course of 9 years, my small hobby became a real business. One that I was proud of. We were making over a million dollars in sales a year! I had a business partner, a thriving online business, two beautiful stores in California and a high functioning team that I was grateful for. 

Then the pandemic crashed into us. We were hit with all kinds of tests from the universe. We were robbed multiple times, dropped from insurance, had trouble hiring store employees, our cash flow ran low and eventually our instagram account, where we did a lot of business, was permanently deleted for unfair reasons. The time had come to surrender. Was this the path we wanted to stay on? 

Admitting that there might be something else out there nearly caused me to have a panic attack. How would I pivot without going back to a traditional job? I’d been able to stay objective about my mission for so many years but now I felt out of control. That was the start of an ego death, the part of me that’s a little rebellious and overly confident at times. She was doing what she knew best, taking a stand for what she wanted. 

But god love her, she had figured out how to keep the lights on that entire time. Her bold truth had taken us far but I still felt so much pressure to do and be more. Underneath that tough exterior, I started to see there was more to me than her. 

When the business closed, I was exhausted. Liquidating and winding down a business is hard work. We shipped hundreds of orders on the last day we were open. There was a lot to deal with, including negotiating debt which took months to sort through and ultimately ended in bankruptcy. I felt like a complete failure.

I fell into a deep depression. I didn’t know who I was anymore or who I’d become. I no longer had a dream. I remember taking an epsom salt bath in the dark, with a candle lit, listening to a deeply emotional playlist, feeling hopeless when a small voice dropped in and whispered, you are worthy just because you’re here. Oh really I thought to myself, so you don’t have to do anything to be deserving of love? I went back to floating in the sea of emptiness for god knows how long after that. 

The darkness overpowered any glimmers of light. I checked myself into therapy and have been going weekly ever since. Over many months, I learned how to acknowledge and be present with how empty I felt in my body. It may have been the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. That was the start of learning how to love myself beyond measures of external success. 

I still yearned to have a unique POV around style and coaching and felt frustrated for not knowing exactly what that was or how to share it. With guidance from my therapist, I quit trying so hard. I had to stop forcing clarity and start trusting the process.

After losing my business, I worked part-time business coaching while I spent the other half of my days sitting in the park, going for walks and resting in bed. For months, I had no clear vision. It was just me and the weight of the unknown.

I started to nurture my creativity. I would take myself on dates around the city to explore. I’d check out museum exhibits and then treat myself to a gluten free cookie and decaf oat milk latte. I started snapping photos and would share online when I felt inspired. I went vintage shopping for the first time in years just for myself and bought a ring that had a flower on it, a sign that I was to bloom again.

My heart started talking to me! Not long after, I decided to open up my online vintage shop under the intention of keeping it small this time. Sharing things that bring me joy brought me back to life. I was shocked when sales from my old customers flooded in. I thought they would have forgotten about me. Vintage has taught me what it feels like to love and be loved. You don’t have to be perfect.

I got super hooked on Human Design- studying and using it to help clients see their unique value. All while I struggled to see my own. I treated my chart like a best friend, tucking it into my journal and pulling it out when I needed validation, permission, and encouragement to be me. I started to have a vision for the type of leader I wanted to become; bold AND vulnerable. 

As I worked to embody all the wisdom, I faced deep frustration—realizing how much I had self-protected over the years through avoidance. Steering clear of vocalizing my truth so that I wouldn’t be rejected. It was time to take action. 

A powerful shift happened. 

I gave myself permission to be ordinary rather than trying to be extraordinary. I set smaller, achievable goals so that I could immerse myself deep into projects that required my full presence like building material for my website and coaching business. I started sharing my perspective more openly and hosting virtual workshops. I made ordinary life special—buying flowers, lighting candles, and dressing in clothes that felt like me. 

It’s been 3 ½ years since we closed and I’m grateful to be making more money now than I ever have in my career. Every day I’m balancing creativity with practical needs, just like we all are. But I linger on this thought. What if it could feel good and be easy? 

I’ve realized that self-doubt and fear will only last for as long as we let them. Counting what we’re grateful for and telling ourselves kinder stories is the fast track to growth (and therefore monetization). We have to stay with hard emotions when we want to run and love ourselves through them with the power of our attention.

It’s okay not to have it all figured out. We forget sometimes that we are the love that moves the sun and deserve more than our imaginations can reach. There’s plenty of time to do it all. The next best step unfolds as you go. Be kind to yourself. All of it is worth doing